Struggling, but hanging on

Today has been a real struggle. I'm feeling very depressed, but I am learning to manage it. I've learned in the past week that exercising, eating the 6 balenced meals a day, and getting enough rest are ESSENTIAL for my mental health. However, the cloudy weather REALLY affects me too and I can't change the weather! I just want to eat a dozen chocolate chip cookies or just crawl in my bed and stay there all day. So far, I've eaten great though and I'll continue to do so. Someone was commenting to me today about how unusual it is to have two brothers die as young as mine did. It helped me snap out of my wanting to quit mode as I told them it is unusual, and that I'm taking good care of myself so my parents don't have to go through it again. I feel the conviction of how important this is. It isn't about my appearance anymore, it's about my LIFE. As for the depression, I will keep searching to find ways to help it be better. I may look into the box lights that I can sit under every day. I know that beautiful colors help me and so does up-lifting music. I will no longer be a victim who gives up. I WILL finish this Twelve Week Challenge!

Hope and Balence (Day Three)

I'm going to be blogging a lot. It's therapeutic for me. I have no idea if anyone else will ever read my blog. I guess at some point I'll tell people about it. I'll commit to get through this first month and then I'll tell people to keep up the momentum for the final two months. I have to be careful because of my perfectionist nature. While I'm doing this, it's so important that I do my best and also stay loving and kind to myself. This IS NOT about me trying to achieve perfection and then beating myself up if I can't! That was the way of the past. This is about HOPE. Hope to move forward. Hope to make my life what it's meant to be. Hope that I can make a positive difference in people's lives. Hope that I can be a healthy role-model for my kids and for my nieces and nephews. Hope that I will be honoring my brothers by conquering my addiction to sugar and my unhealthy coping skills. It's also about BALANCE. This is not my whole life. I'm a wife and a mother. I have daily activities and goals that are separate from this, but this will enhance my abilities to fulfill those things. Faith is also a big part of my journey. I'm praying like I haven't for a long time. I'm studying God's word and I'm turning my life over to Him the best that I can. I trust that He wants what's best for me. I will be used as He sees fit. This time the Body for Life Plan is about me noticing how I FEEL more than how I LOOK. I can do what I can do, and how I end up looking is not up to me. My body will lose fat and build muscle to the best of it's ability and according to it's schedule. That's okay. I'm living a healthy life-style along the way. I'm grateful for this gift of Hope and I'm looking forward to learning Balance.

Reasons for Choosing Body for Life

I've been thinking about why I've chosen to do Body for Life. I've been on other programs and I feel like this one is the most transformational, which is what I'm looking for. I don't just want to become skinny, I want to become STRONG. That is so important to me. For my emotional state and for my long-term health, I feel that Body for Life is the best out there. It's not about becoming starved skinny so that I can "look" good. I've been down that road before and I hate the emotional roller-coaster it puts me on, not to mention that it doesn't last, and it's harmful to my body. Body for Life is about building muscle, nourishing my body, building strength, confidence, and achieving more than I thought I could. I could go on and on. This is the program I want my kids to use to be healthy (with modifications for the weight lifting based on their ages, of course.). That says a lot. So many kids will end up with eating disorders and poor body image and self-esteem. I'm going to be here to say, "Hey, take care of yourself. You're worth it. Become strong. Become healthy. Become YOUR best self by eating plenty of wholesome food, exercising, and achieving goals." What could be a better way?

No Regrets!

So far I've had a good day following Body for Life. My energy has been good and my emotions have felt tons more balanced. I exercised using the High Point Technique for 20 minutes. I ate 5 meals so far. Here's what I ate. I want to have a record so I can remember what worked well. I ate oatmeal and scrambled eggs first this morning, later I had a Bocca burger on Sour Dough Bread with low-fat mayo, then I had 1/4 c. of pistaccios and one small grapefruit., Later I had some chicken, brown-rice, and broccoli, I had the same thing a couple of hours later when I got hungry again. Portion sizes are about the size of my fist for each thing---carbs and proteins. Later, I'll eat trout, brown-rice, and broccoli. I'll go to bed early so I can get up early tomorrow. Tomorrow is my weight-lifting day.

I've cried three times today as I've thought about my brothers' lives ending too soon. I have so many regrets. We got along, but I wish so badly that I would have expressed my love more and that I would have done more to let them know I cared. You would think I would have learned this lesson after my first brother died 6 years ago. To some extent I did, but there was a part of me that wanted to protect my heart from hurt. I'm here to say that it isn't possible. My brother who just died in December had so many health problems and I worried about him dying. I thought that I had prepared myself for it and I can see now that I distanced myself. Nothing prepared me for it to happen though! I wish so badly I had just loved more and worried less. I hope someone can learn from my mistakes. You don't want to live with the regrets of missed opportunities. All I can do now is live my life in such a way that I'm available to fully love others and to fulfill my life's purpose. I've had poor health for years and that has prevented me from doing many things that I would like to do. I KNOW that nutrition and exercise will allow me to over-come these problems. I've had brief times where I've experienced it for myself, but I've always given up on caring for myself long-term. Now I see how important it is!

The Reason for This Blog

I'm mourning the death of my brother. He committed suicide on Dec. 21st. He was my second brother to die and he was my final sibling. They both died too young. BOTH of my brother's deaths could have been prevented. The details don't matter. I'm left with an emptiness and sorrow that is hard to explain. My brothers each had a child they left behind. I feel how important it is that I'm a good role-model for these kids. I've decided to start a program called Body for Life. It's a Twelve Week program that involves great nutrition and working out. I need to lose 30-40 pounds. As a way to work through my grief and honor my brothers who I love dearly, I'm starting this program today. I will finish it on April 21st. This is super scary for me to post this because I've tried this before and failed. I never did it in honor of my brothers before though. Before, I just obsessed over how I wanted to look. Now I have to have this to focus on so I'm not over-come with grief. I am a woman of faith and I believe in life after death, I'm just so sad for what could have been. In order to live true to what I believe, I need to make the most of my time here on earth and I need to care for this body that is such a gift. Here I go!