The Lord's hand in my life

Even though I like to go back and read my old journals to remember what I learned and experienced, I stayed away from my journal that started in Dec. of 2008. Right at the beginning of that journal is when I learned my brother Ben committed suicide. It's full of my anguish and I poured my heart out in it for days. The whole next year is full of me working through feelings with the help of the Lord. My brother's death is what inspired this blog. I first named the blog In the Arms of the Angels because my brother LOVED that song and it reminded me of the way he struggled and helped me understand him better. It also reminded me of where both brothers are now. I can't judge the choices they made. Only our Heavenly Father knows their hearts and the struggles they faced. Those struggles were very real and Heavenly Father knows how hard they tried. I heard a beautiful talk once that I wish I knew how to find again. It said that when we leave this life the mental problems that people had to deal with through no fault of their own, will be gone. They will be able to be judged without the mental illness. Back to my journal...When I thought of the journal, I first remembered the pain. However, I'm so glad I was prompted to read it now! I can say without a doubt that I was tutored by the Spirit so profoundly during that time. Throughout the whole year, I was comforted and taught. I look at my pain differently now and as awful as it was, I'm grateful for what I learned. The lessons started even before my brother died. To just give a little background, I always felt responsible somehow for my brothers, even though they were 12 and 13 yrs. older than me and were technically not blood related. Their dad married my mom when I was 9 months old and adopted me. I was raised thinking they were my brothers until I was 11. When I found out, I still loved them the same. Because they were raised so differently from me and because I had the Gospel and they didn't, I took it upon myself to worry about them and to feel responsible to help them. One day during a particularly difficult time in my brother's life, I prayed and felt like my heart was breaking. I told Heavenly Father that I couldn't bear the pain of his suffering anymore. The very distinct words came into my mind.."Jennifer, you are not his Savior. I am. I will take care of him. This burden isn't yours to bear." I felt a weight lifted off of me. I did relax a lot more after that and I reminded myself of that often when I started to pick up the burdens I shouldn't. Then about 3 weeks before my brother died, I went up to bear my testimony at my sister-in-laws ward. I had the strongest feeling I should do it and as I walked up there, I thought of my love for the Savior and His love for each of us. The thought very clearly came into my mind that I HAD to know that He took upon Himself our pain, not just our sins, particularly the pain that is caused by other people's choices. I bore testimony of that and felt it so STRONG. That knowledge kept me going after I heard of Ben's actions and as I prepared to talk at his funeral at the request of his 15 yr. old son. I was able to speak of the love I had for my brother, the love he had for all of us, and to share the truth about life after death with family members who don't believe as we do. I know I was upheld by the Spirit at that time. Later on, when I went through a VERY difficult period of guilt, a wonderful mentor very bluntly told that it was like a "slap in the face to the Savior for me to feel like I could have done more". She reminded me that I had turned Ben over to Him and that I needed to trust Him instead of regretting that choice. She was absolutely right. She also talked to me about my neice and nephew who were the children of both of my deceased brothers. I felt responsible for them as well. She bore her testimony to me that the Lord will not give them more than they can handle and that He has a plan for their lives. She let me know that I can be a good example to them and share my love with them, but I can't try to take all of their burdens away either. She talked about them having their agency and my responsibitly to the my own children. Another tender mercy is that my Bishop at the time had the SAME thing happen to him. His brother did the same thing. When I first spoke with him about the guilt I was feeling, I had no idea that he knew how I felt. He shared things with me that really helped. I also had AMAZING Visiting Teachers who let me talk, comforted me, and cried with me. One of the sisters who I visit taught also had experienced the same thing and she came to my door and hugged me and said she knew how I felt. I NEEDED to hear that! My famiy was trying to pretend that his death was something other than what it was even though there was NO WAY it was an accident. I will not share anymore details than that. I felt like I was struggling with all of my feelings alone. Someone once said it shouldn't matter, but unless you've been through it, it's hard to understand. Because I've had TWO brothers die, even though one's death was from carelessness, it's VERY different when it's suicide (I hate that word by the way!) The people who reached out to me, were truly acting as the Savior would. I know I was meant to live where I did when it happened. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father tutors us with the Spirit and provides amazing examples and friends here on earth. I know that I've healed so much since the time I started this blog and it was all because of Jesus Christ. He truly has born our sorrows and our transgressions and He only asks us to trust Him and follow Him. I'm so grateful for his tender mercies!